"ugh, amore-shmore"

Alright, so this is a blog about love (death).
BTW: in case you did not understand the title, I was trying to convey the phrase that people use when they think something is ridiculous. Per esempio - "Fergie, eat your vegetables because they're healthy for you." "Ah...healthy, shmealthy. Who cares I like bread!!" :)

Anyways, just wanted to let you know I vidddded with A-dawg for the first time today. It was really nice to see him AND talk to him - the boy is so damn sexy I just want to eat him up and swallow him whole..(I apologize for the digression). I tried to articulate my feelings - be proud of me! - but I still don't think I got what I wanted out of the convo. Basically, I said that I was worried about what the best "plan-of-action" for our relationship would be because if we give it our all someone could be disappointed, but if we don't do enough we could miss out on something really great. He said he doesn't have any answers to these questions (damn!) but he still thinks it's best for us to do what we can and re-evaluate after all this is over. Deep down I just wanted A to say "I feel the same way so let's say screw the world and be together", but I know he's right. Our lives don't exactly mesh right now, and we just can't do anything drastic until we know we can even be together for more than a few weeks, since I don't even know if we've done that successfully...
I'm scared to lose him, but the truth is if we're still able to scrounge up this level of passion after months apart I doubt everything would suddenly die. Honestly, the only thing that would kill our feelings would be if one person gets severely hurt and angry (aka, try and be together in separate countries and someone cheats..). Ya know, if for some reason we break up during all this and I still want the boy back I will just go get him.
So I don't necessarily feel more clear about my feelings for A, but I definitely know that we're on the same page; missing each other like hell, but trying to keep everything fun and flirty so that neither one of us will regret anything. I'm proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort box :) I even told him I would want to be with him if I could guarantee security (but I have mad* doubts), which is a big step for me. There was only one slightly shady thing...while we were viddding he was texting his ex Sam and they were writing hateful things to each other. He was telling me everything that happened voluntarily (apparently she called him yesterday and they fought a little bit) and was reading me everything they wrote back and forth to each other, but I was still a little uncomfortable. I said "I'm concerned cause even though you say you're over her, the immense hatred you feel will keep you from truly moving on." He said he has been over her a long time because she hurt him so badly and he only feels anger because she is a supreme "bitch", but I'm still unsure. Still, this is not an issue I'm planning on addressing anytime soon. I don't think she's a threat to me (mostly cause I'm way cute) but I do get jealous knowing the boy has that much passion (even if it's anger) for anyone other than me, ya know?

However (transition word!), the convo was still lovely and thanks for making me display my emotions**.

LAST day of orientation tomorrow - we're supposed to learn about things such as budgeting and community service and work study (which I might need since parents are all of a sudden putting me on a strict budget!! wtf!?!?). Ohhhh and we met really cool/interesting/weird/annoying people today of which I must detail in another blog tomorrow, so you best be stepping up your game BITCH.

xxxxxxxxxxo.

*One of my roommates uses awesome phrases such as "mad" "dumb" and "clutch". Be prepared because I am planning to incorporate all of these into my everyday life.
**A is happy that you are "on his side" when it comes to me and my retarded emotions. Especially because everyone else in my life hates his guts :)